A.W.O.L.

“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.”Image

I do not really suppose I know where to begin. I have been absent for a while. Absent from writing. Absent from photography. Absent from communication. Absent from being still. Absent from myself.

I guess there really isn’t a good way or place to start except from where I am now. Physically I am sitting in a coffee shop in Boulder. Emotionally and mentally…well, I am a wreck. Lately I’ve just been a head case. A real flippin’ head case.

But that isn’t important right now.

What is important is that I have people in my life who are willing to help me to the utmost of their ability. If there is one thing most people know about me, it’s that I am not good at asking for help, let alone accepting it. And if there is one thing I have learned over the past few months is that I have A LOT of people in my life who love me dearly and are willing to help me. I have friends in my life who want to wrap their arms around me, hold me when I’m crying, laugh with me when I’m happy, offer a hand to me through my walk of failures, and celebrate with me when I succeed.

Damn. Sometimes it catches me off guard. Ok, you caught me. Most of the time it blows me away, if not always.

I recently received a gift from a friend; a book by Edward Abbey – Desert Solitaire. Inside there was a postcard at page 118. Before reading the postcard, I noted a specific line on the page:

“Whereupon you, too, will soar on motionless wings high over the ruck and rack of human suffering. For most of us a promotion in grade, for some the realization of an ideal.”

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As for the postcard, it struck a chord:

“I wanted to share with you some of my journey away from self-hatred. A lot of it came in yoga class. Learning to accept the process. Learning to accept that where I am is where I am, and that’s okay. To love and care for myself wherever I might be was a hard fought lesson, but it was important. We can’t be anywhere other than where we are, we can’t do anything we can’t do. We can only move and do our best right here. We can’t love anyone more than we love ourselves.

Give yourself some grace. You deserve it. That person who I love so much, who hides, doesn’t need to stay in the dark. You have so much to offer this world. Love yourself and *shine!* 

You can’t be so hard on yourself. Help from others can not be conditional on your performance. You deserve love and support from everyone who cares about you regardless of whether or not you think you’re failing.”

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So here I am…making some sort of concerted effort to give some of myself to myself. To give myself grace. To offer myself peace. To learn how to be still and patience with my thoughts, my process, and my current place on this Earth.

So I sit. I breathe. I learn. I observe. And damn, it’s hard.

And as I breathe these words through my fingertips, I am humbled.  As I try to assign meaning to this life that I am creating, I am humbled.  As I attempt to find some sort of solace in becoming comfortable with being present within myself, I am humbled.

I genuinely do not know where I would be right now without the people in my life.

Thank you.

© /skin/ /ˈpōətrē/

 

 

4 responses to “A.W.O.L.

  1. Hey I just finished that book; I’d imagine it would strike a chord for you.

    Remembering to breathe is usually the most important step. I bet you know this through climbing. Listen: you’ll only have the ability to attribute meaning to things as long as you’re breathing, so prioritize. And nice photos, too.

  2. Shay you are such an amazing individuals. I relate to this post so much. And I think you for sharing it b/c for many people out there – the ones who don’t like to ask for help, the ones who don’t see their greatness, the ones who are so damn hard on themselves – will read this and they will see they are not alone, and they will see that it is worthwhile to be on a journey of discovering self love, and then practicing it. I have struggled with being a major asshole, downplayer, naysayer in my own mind my entire life. And lately, I’ve just hit a point where I’m sick of it, and I’m trying hard to learn how to talk to that voice, understand it, and work with it. It’ll never go away – so it almost comes down to befriending it, if that makes sense? I dunno – I’m figuring it out right now! :oP

    I recently wrote a letter to my best friend, and at the top I wrote, “Someone told me that one of the best things we can do is ask for help, and so that’s what I’m doing, I’m asking you for help.” And I wrote and wrote and wrote about all these things that scared me, and things that have hurt me I can’t seem to let go of, and just, all this shit.

    And he wrote back to me this letter going point by point, and he helped me one each one more than I could have ever helped myself alone. And towards the end, one of the things he said to me, that applies to you so much, and that couldn’t be more true to describe you is this:

    “You make this world a better place by doing what you don’t even have to try doing – by being yourself, by being you.”

    Love Lauren :)

    • Ah. Lauren. You are amazing.

      Thank you so much for your continued support. You have such an amazing heart. I am so glad you are following your heart and dreams. I have learned so much from you. You truly do make this world (my world) a better place.
      <3

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