I do not really suppose I know where to begin. I have been absent for a while. Absent from writing. Absent from photography. Absent from communication. Absent from being still. Absent from myself.
I guess there really isn’t a good way or place to start except from where I am now. Physically I am sitting in a coffee shop in Boulder. Emotionally and mentally…well, I am a wreck. Lately I’ve just been a head case. A real flippin’ head case.
But that isn’t important right now.
What is important is that I have people in my life who are willing to help me to the utmost of their ability. If there is one thing most people know about me, it’s that I am not good at asking for help, let alone accepting it. And if there is one thing I have learned over the past few months is that I have A LOT of people in my life who love me dearly and are willing to help me. I have friends in my life who want to wrap their arms around me, hold me when I’m crying, laugh with me when I’m happy, offer a hand to me through my walk of failures, and celebrate with me when I succeed.
Damn. Sometimes it catches me off guard. Ok, you caught me. Most of the time it blows me away, if not always.
I recently received a gift from a friend; a book by Edward Abbey – Desert Solitaire. Inside there was a postcard at page 118. Before reading the postcard, I noted a specific line on the page:
“Whereupon you, too, will soar on motionless wings high over the ruck and rack of human suffering. For most of us a promotion in grade, for some the realization of an ideal.”
As for the postcard, it struck a chord:
“I wanted to share with you some of my journey away from self-hatred. A lot of it came in yoga class. Learning to accept the process. Learning to accept that where I am is where I am, and that’s okay. To love and care for myself wherever I might be was a hard fought lesson, but it was important. We can’t be anywhere other than where we are, we can’t do anything we can’t do. We can only move and do our best right here. We can’t love anyone more than we love ourselves.
Give yourself some grace. You deserve it. That person who I love so much, who hides, doesn’t need to stay in the dark. You have so much to offer this world. Love yourself and *shine!*
You can’t be so hard on yourself. Help from others can not be conditional on your performance. You deserve love and support from everyone who cares about you regardless of whether or not you think you’re failing.”
So here I am…making some sort of concerted effort to give some of myself to myself. To give myself grace. To offer myself peace. To learn how to be still and patience with my thoughts, my process, and my current place on this Earth.
So I sit. I breathe. I learn. I observe. And damn, it’s hard.
And as I breathe these words through my fingertips, I am humbled. As I try to assign meaning to this life that I am creating, I am humbled. As I attempt to find some sort of solace in becoming comfortable with being present within myself, I am humbled.
I genuinely do not know where I would be right now without the people in my life.
© /skin/ /ˈpōətrē/