The doctor called us. She emphasized concern regarding some of the tests she ran on the blood we share. We chatted for a little bit. For months I have really tried to let the information she articulated situate itself. Our doctor then gave me a task; she requested that I write a positive letter to you even if I did not necessarily believe in what I was writing. No one has ever asked me to do that before. The request made tears surface because I know how genuinely shitty I have always been to you.
Truth be told, I did not request the blood tests for me; I got them done for you. I suppose this is my way of showing you that I care about you…a great deal. This is my way of trying to show up in your life. Our life. You’ve gotten me through a lot, including all of the terrible circumstances I never thought I would survive and, not to ignore, all of the amazing rocks you’ve provided me with the ability to climb. Yet, I always chose to trash the shit out of you. Deprive you of the things you needed most. Hide you from existence.
I’m so sorry.
You see, I can now admit that I’ve been dragging you through barbed wire mud. Unreasonably high expectations and elite goals never set you, us, up for success. I never honoured any compliment that was given to you. Why should you receive the good-graces of others when they were never deserved? I have been so blind I never saw how sick you were. I am unsure if I know where to go from here. You feel like a complete stranger to me. I’ve spent years living with you, hating you, feeling shame and guilt for the way you look. For the way you made me look.
The world can serve up a grueling existence that has to be eaten for breakfast, lunch, and dinner…sometimes for weeks on end. For a long time, I lived in the past’s painful wounds and I made sure that it was you who suffered the consequences. I never knew how to be okay. I’m trying to turn that around now – healing myself one morsel at a time. I am relinquishing the expectations I have of you and just letting you be. I now know how vital it is for us to be on the same team. Even though I have been a rotten lover, I care about you a whole lot and I want to repair our relationship. So please, will you teach me out how to listen to you? How to love you.
With my track record, we both know I am not very good with love. Please, don’t give up on me darlin’. Let us hold each other’s hand in this journey; sometimes it’s hard for these legs to carry the weight. It won’t always be easy, but I promise I will keep trying.
© /skin/ /ˈpōətrē/
“It was all very ordinary until my identity appeared, until my body and mind became one being. The day I saw the flowers and learned how to turn my daily struggles into the most extraordinary moments. Moments worth writing about. For so long I let my life slip through my fingers, like water. I’m holding on to it now, and I’m not letting go.”
– Charlotte Eriksson