I have been absent for a while. Absent from writing. Absent from photography. Absent from the outdoors. From compassion. From being still. From myself. The only thing I do not feel absence from is punishing myself. How do I grant myself grace?
I wish I could sit here right now and share with you a little bit of my journey away from self-hatred. However, I think I’m in the thick of it and I’m not sure whether I’m going forward or backward or spiraling out of control. I am tormented by the quest of giving myself grace. To love and to care for myself wherever I might be is a hard fought lesson I still haven’t mastered. I know I cannot be anywhere other than where I am. I cannot do anything I can’t do. I can only move and do my best in this moment. I am trying so hard to accept the process….but I’ve never been good at surrendering. Never been great at forgiving myself. I’ve often pondered out loud – wishing for a “cease to exist” button. I get so lost in the punishment of my failures.
I received a gentle reminder from a friend: “You might think that you don’t matter in this world, but because of you someone has a favorite mug to drink their tea out of that you bought them. Someone hears a song on the radio and it reminds them of you. Someone has read a book you recommended to them and gotten lost in its pages. Someone’s remembered a joke you told them and smiled to themselves on the bus. Never think you don’t have an impact. Your fingerprints can’t be wiped away form the little marks of kindness that you’ve left behind.”
© /skin/ /ˈpōətrē/